Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
