I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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