I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
