i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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