wrigley field is MILF paradise
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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