There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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