U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
