Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
