Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
