i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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