I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He shit in the fireplace
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
