She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You made out with two different species that night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
