She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
