Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
