So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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