when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
