every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
