She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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