i think i have herpe
just one?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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