I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
