I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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