I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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