I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
