John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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