I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
