Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
40s are totally the cure
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
