i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
