is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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