Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
