He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
