i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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