its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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