i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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