as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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