A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
