my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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