I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
