Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
