I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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