I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
