Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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