How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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