Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Found the puke drawer
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
