the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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