he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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