OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
