I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
