Just fell off a train. Bad.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
