Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
