I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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