Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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