I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
