you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
