put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
